Epilogue

This blog was created to follow treatment of Hepatitis C and it's side effects. When I started writing it I was hoping it would may help someone and it actually have, I'm very happy it became useful. Now I want to start a new one, to record how the recovery goes. So, moving on.
Here is the link to my new blog
http://hepatitiscrecovery.blogspot.com/

Shot # 72

Just did the last one. And not even excited. It does not feel like anything, I don't know why. Maybe because I still don't realise it has happened, that I'm finished. But maybe I've got so tired of it that I don't have any emotions left to be happy and celebrate it. Or maybe it became part of my life so much that I got used to it and finishing it is not even a big deal. Or maybe....... hmmm..... Interferon has started to work, brain is going on a retard mode.... can't think clearly. Or... let me continue if I can... I've just earned to finish this freaking treatment. Well... not yet, one more week of Ribavirin and then I'll be completely done.
OK, going to sleep now. Very tired, very very very tired since morning. Unbearable fatigue.
Sunday Right after opening my eyes I felt it would not be an easy day, Interferon wanted to say good-bye on it's own way, by killing me, but I... on my own way rebelled against it and went to meet my blogger friends Uncertain, Terry, his beautiful girlfriend Magda, Laurie and her husband. It's so important to share experiences, it's so great to meet people who exactly understand what you are going through. The day was great, just got tired a little bit. But it's almost over. I'll take my last Riba on Thursday night, that's what I've decided. This is it. Enough. More than enough.
Monday That's the medal I've got from my friend Uncertain for finishing treatment, It's a very symbolic present, I'm very proud to get it.
This morning wanted to cry when was going to work. I was so fatigued, so tired and had a feeling as if I'm a slave in that hospital. Was ignoring my supervisor, was avoiding her all day in order not to get irritated, otherwise would tell her nasty things, I'm ready for it. She is abusing me, she had been abusing me for 3 weeks. I won't let her do it any more. I've got my inner strength back. Screw her. I'm stronger than her, she has not done 72 weeks of combo therapy.
I can't believe I'll have my last pills on Thursday, I still can't believe I'm almost finished, I can't believe my life will be different. I don't remember what it's like to be full of energy, not to be constantly fatigued, not to be scared that I can' make it. Today when was reading the comments from all my friends I've felt that it's real. It's real. And I started to cry. It really is the last week, it is the last 3 days. And then I'll be the same as before. As before. How was before?
Tuesday This new Ribavirin is killing me, it knocked me down, actually knocked me out. I hardly can stand on my feet. I don't know how I made it to work, but as soon as I've got there I already wanted to leave, realizing I would not be able to work, the only problem was I left the keys at home and no one would open the door for me. So I stayed and definitely was 100% unable to go to another job at night. I think I should inject another Procrit, even though I had one a week before and thought it would be the last one.
Today at work a very funny and embarrassing thing happened to me: I was doing a female pelvic exam transabdominally (meaning from the top of the belly), then as the protocol requires I tried to switch transvaginally (meaning inside the body), but something was not right, the transducer would not go in. I tried and I tried..... and I tried and then: "Ma'am, are you sexually active? No? Have you ever been? No? Are you virgin? Oh, you are! Oh, OK!" Thank God I'm fatigued and don't have enough energy to push anything hard, otherwise I don't know what would have happened. I would never ever in my life have thought I would ever deflower 52 years old African American extremely religious lady. Almost happened.
Wednesday Fatigue is not going away, I'm constantly tired. Probably whatever energy I had saved was used at first 3 weeks of working and now I'm sterile clean empty. But who cares? I'm finishing treatment tomorrow. I'm 24 hours away from the end.
You are not going to believe it, today I had 2 more virgins. One of them was 36 years old, another -- 62. I really did not think there were any virgins left in the USA. Everyone was laughing at me, my Doctor said I probably attract them. I should look it up in the books what is the symbolic meaning of virgins. Maybe it's some kind of a sign.
Today I was told by a patient that she wishes I was lying down on a stretcher so I would know how she feels. I was so hurt, almost cried. Told her that I already have had my share of misery and I don't need any more. It was really not nice thing to say.
Thursday Just took the last Ribavirin pills. I think I'm officially done. I am, am not I? Hmmmm and now what? Just live my life. But good bye effortless weight loss, bye bye my humanges eye lashes, adios my glowy skin, au revoir my favorite riba rage. Oh well... hopefully bye bye fatigue, head aches, anemia, diarrhea, all the pains and the most important, bye bye Hepatitis C virus.
It's not all negative. On treatment I've met so many nice people, they helped me a lot, their support made me go through 72 weeks, they gave me strength. This treatment made me stronger, it made me evaluate many things, it made me separate priorities, it made me look different at many things. Nothing happens with no reason. I had to go through this to become what I am now. I became strong.

Shot # 71

I've made an interesting observation, it's not a new one, but the strongest one: the PMS and newly injected interferon can cause anomalies in Nature, a person having this combination bursts out extremely strong negative vibrating energy and whoever comes in contact with it within 5 meter radius gets charged by it and becomes crazy. If it's more than 2 people a big, nice fight starts, but as soon as this 5 meter radius is left people become as normal as before (not the one with PMS and Interferon).

The day after shot was easy, no pains, did not even have to take painkillers. It was in Boston after the Thanksgiving in Connecticut. Have spent whole week-end looking for that ugly Australian UGG boots for my daughter. She had have one pair, but how one pair is ever enough, especially when you are a daughter of a shoe-maniac? We looked everywhere, in all the possible stores, all of them where sold out. No one can imagine how much effort my husband had put in finding those boots. Whole Saturday was wasted in the stores with no success, but on Sunday my cousin George called with a tip from his girlfriend: There is a store in Newton called "Kids Shoe Barn", they have sizes which are perfect for adults and they cost less, so... Excitement!!! Happiness!!! Sophia got size 6 and I -- size 5. Hurray!!!!! I don't know if I want to wear them, they are so not elegant.

The pictures..... One thing of my dream life came true already, this is the view from the land I will have my house buildd sometime. That's Tbilisi you can see far down beneath the TV Tower and the hills around... it will be my side view. So beautiful. Everybody is welcome to my future house.

Wednesday Fatigue..... usual thing. Procrit works for it's last hours. Have to inject another one... the last one. Finally the last something. But now taking different kind of Ribavirin, not the Riba-Pack and I react to it a little difficult, depression came out of nowhere. So upset, so upset. It will be over soon. Tired, I'm very tired. I'm very tired.

Shot # 70

The last week was so hard like an Egyptian slaves or Soviet gulag prisoners labor in Siberia. I, as a sonographer have to bring a 400 lbs stretcher in and out my room, there are in patients, out patients, some of them are in pain, some of them are almost dying, some of them are mentally confused, some of them are aggressive, some of them are bleeding! And I have to deal with them. It is so difficult. Tomorrow they want me to start working mobile, meaning I will have to carry, push that humanges ultrasound machine from one floor to another floor and scan the most difficult patients which can't be moved. I don't know if I can handle that any longer.
On Saturday night a little highlight of the week: my weekly shot. Kidding, actually I went to my friend's birthday and it was the only time I have not thought about that terrible hospital.
Monday is my fatigue day, but in that hospital-hell I don't have time to think about it. I feel it only in my eyes, it hides behind them and slowly makes them narrow. Then, when I go home by subway it puts me on sleep and I look like a bum (I guess). I come home and it's almost time to go to bed.
Today at work the head of radiology department approached me, saying he has to talk to me. I thought: "this is it! Now he will tell me he's firing me", but he only asked for my time record sheets. Then, when he saw fear in my eyes and heard an explanation why I had fear in my eyes he hugged me and said I should never have to be scared of him, he will never fire me.
That's my life for today. What I would do with pleasure, what is my ideal life: living in Tbilisi (in the house with a view), doing research on semiotics, do as much books about esotherics as possible, read high end literature, write a little for myself in my own language, have friends over for casual gathering with nice discussions about psychology, religion, books....... But that's so far away, many years away. I'll do part of it in the US when I feel I'm standing strong on my feet. Before that -- no pleasure for me.
Thursday Another Thanksgiving while on treatment. Does not sound right, does it? I was suppose to be done by now a long time ago. Will be soon. In 2 weeks. Yesterday went to my appointment and my PA gave me another 4 syringes of Pegintron, now I'm thinking if I should do 2 more or 4 more. I'll decide when it comes closer to it.
So... what's new? Yesterday, at work went mobile with another co-worker, meaning we scanned patients in ICU (intensive care unit). This was one of the worst experiences in my life. Oh mama, what have my eyes seen!!!!! Patients half dead: one tube for breathing, another for eating, one more to poop, another -- to pee. Some of them have tubes in trachea and they can't talk. How am I suppose to scan such people? I feel their pain, I can't, can't scan them, I can't, can't ignore someones' pain. If I can I'll avoid portable working. And I don't consider it as weakness.
Today when I woke up my mind told my body: "You don't have to work today" and I've noticed how my body had relaxed, felt like it had unplugged from the energy source, fatigue from all that days hit me with a full blast all together, all at once. It is hard to work for me and yes, I can quit any time I want, I don't have to work, I just want to work, it's all up to me. I don't want to quit, I don't like dropping things which are right but hard only because they are difficult. If everybody would be doing only what's easy than there would be no progress in the world. I am strong, I am very strong. I just look very little, fragile and helpless. Actually I can take on a load of World's responsibility, I can carry the heaviest weight on my shoulders, like a little ant. I like challenge, I like to learn, I like to grow. Have you read Dostoevsky's "Teenager"? I have, when I was a teenager and I can identify myself to him, still. I like pushing the limits. If I was opposite, would I make up to now? I don't know. I have my principles in life I will never give up, and I will never be doing things which can harm others, other than that, I will do anything to grow, the sky is a limit to me.

Shot # 69

Ai mamitta! After shot days suck but what is it in comparison to how nervous I am going tomorrow to work to the one of the most serious and biggest hospitals in New York City! I've lied to my recruiter in my resume that I have 1,5 years of experience (that's the time I've been sitting on my black sofa hugging my treatment with all it's side effects). So, this crazy recruiter sent me to that hospital on Thursday. When I saw the working environment and the speed all the sonographers work I became as scared as little kitten left by it's mother. I've spend there 30 minutes and ran away with no intention to come back. I've not even demonstrated my scanning skills. I came home with a strong feeling that this deal was closed. On Friday morning my agent called me with "good" news: "Fred said they are hiring you" "They are what? They have not even seen if I can scan at all, they don't know if I'm a good sonographer or not. How can they hire me?" "Maybe they liked your personality?" ......... I don't think this country runs on a sympathy to their employees. First my reaction was NO! I'm not going there, because: 1. I'm not experienced enough to work in such a hospital and they will see it as soon as I scan my first patient. 2. The working conditions are brutal for me, since it involves a lot of physical work. 3. I'm scared to death. But then I thought why don't I give it a try before they kick me out shamefully covering my hair with feathers. My prediction would be it happens on Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. So, my friends, if any of you are going to be in the City, please come and catch me at the entrance of the hospital in case Fred himself gives me that kick on my butt, since he is a biiiiig guy the impact will be huge and I don't want to land hard, so, please, catch me.
Night of Sunday, 11 hours before me going to the hospital to work. I'm made a decision to leave my options open regarding that hospital. I'm not going to force myself to work if I see that I can't work. I am strong and tough but within reasonable limits. I'm not going to push myself and compromise my health even if everything works out well. I know that from this point on I am not going to stay at home and won't be left without a job.
Monday It was stressful. It was so stressful that at some point I was looking for my stuff to run away. Oh My God!!! All the patients are sick and incredibly difficult to scan and there is a huge line of others to be seen, so you have to rush rush rush, no time to have lunch. Let's see how much I can last. Strangely enough: I did not get any fatigue since morning and after 10 hours of crazy labor did not get very tired. Maybe it will show up tomorrow.
Wednesday Can't believe I'm still working, that they have not kicked me out even though they see how much experienced I am. Let's wait, it's a matter of time. The job is very tiring, yesterday I worked for 8 hours without lunch and then went to another job to learn how to do cardiac sonography. Today was almost the same, tomorrow will be exactly the same. I don't know how I'm standing on my feet, but the fact is -- I am. My eyes hurt, they look like narrow lines, swollen and puffy. It's because I look at the monitor all day long. My life became a gray scale of someones gray liver, someones gray spleen, someones black and white kidneys, someones cystic ovaries, someones fibroidal uterus. Soooo boring. I am capable of so much more, but not in this country. I can't go to school again. I'll wait until I go back to my country and then I'll be doing only what interests me the most. Meanwhile I'll take a deep breath and will be doing whatever I need to do.
Yes, I am working hard, but I feel alive. Even though I'm half comatose nothing can stop me from what I love: still will go shopping to Manhattan, mamitta, I'll do it on Sunday, can't do earlier, working on Saturday half day for free just to learn cardiac sonography.
Now going to have a Procrit shot. Good night : )

Shot # 68

Just had it an hour before and have not taken painkillers yet, I'm so dizzy now I guess I'll have to ask my husband to help me to go to bed.
lately I have headaches every day. This morning woke up with one but took Advil right away, did not let it to develop into migraine attack. My eyes..... they hurt and feel swollen. Why? Why? Maybe it's because I've started working too much too soon? Maybe I'm not ready for it? Not "maybe", for sure I'm not ready for it. Oh well...... too late...... the turning point has been passed at the moment I've made a decision to start working
Monday Yesterday morning woke up as if someone was hammering my back and spine all night. Did not wait until all usual afternoon pains would appear, took painkillers. I had to go to Costco with my friend to get membership (for those who are not familiar with what Costco is: it's a wholesale store for grocery and household stuff). Once I had this membership in Boston MA and have had cancelled it but did not remembered why. As soon as I got to Costco I remembered exactly why I cancelled it, it's because I don't need this gigantic portions of anything. First getting there was real pain: the exit was closed, I had to drive for 2 additional hours to get to 15 minutes distance location. Then, inside of really narrow store was millions of people with big carts. Imagine yourself in the middle of the heaviest traffic and you want to move your car, but you are surrounded by cars in all direction. Ai, mamita, I can't stand that many people on regular days, not mentioning on my after shot days. I've got tired, then I've got more and more tired, then I've got exhausted. I wanted to leave everything and run away. But bought a lot of water, grapefruits and some other stuff which I'm not even sure if I need it. One thing is to buy things and another is to carry them to 15th floor. Problem. Big problem. Had to look for some kind of cart our building maintenance use. And now how do you think can a little woman, on treatment, with anemia, with newly injected Interferon who have lifted 20 lbs of grapefruits, 2 boxes of 12 bottles of 1 gallon each can feel? You've guessed it!!! Humiliated, lost self respect, used and exhausted beyond any limit. When came home I even managed to cook dinner, then lied down on my black sofa and cried my eyes out. Went to bed at 8. This morning I could not even imagine how I would work without Guarana, it helped me not to fall during the day. Tired now, going to bed soon.
Terry, yes, my friend in Georgia is in trouble, but I hope Georgian people won't be that stupid to reject him and continue with their demonstration. I'm very worried. I need peace there.
Maybe Tuesday maybe Wednesday, let me see. OK, Tuesday. I'm still taking Guarana extract. I need energy to be able to stand on my feet. Yes, it does give me energy, but on another hand it takes potential energy away and how: Guarana decreases appetite to the level you forget to eat. With it I eat once a day, in the morning, just something, just a little bit, forget to eat lunch, don't want to eat dinner and then I'm drained. Now, when came back from work forced myself to eat a little, otherwise there is no point of taking Guarana: I'll die.
Bad day... Got a ticket for parking at the hydrant. I parked my car for exactly 3 minutes to get into and out the store. It cost me $115. The police lady was right there writing a ticket when I stormed out the store. They probably get special bitchy training, because none of my smiling, making pity faces, asking or begging worked on her. Usually it works, but only with male police. Oh well...... will try to use my "being on chemo therapy" situation, at least some use out of this misery.
Wednesday Feeling great, not tired, not sick, no pain. But worried: Protests and demonstrations in my country, they demand the government to resign. Very stupid of them. This government is really the first one which shows the hope of future. And the opposition is performing a special order of Russian KGB, because Russia can't get used to the idea that Georgia is not their colony any more, that Georgia chose to work with the USA, that our new young, very talented, smart, extremely intelligent, excellently educated, very patriotic president refuses to collaborate with Russia against Georgian interests. Every nation has traders (one of which is my ex-husband), so Russia paid them and now they are causing chaos and instability in Tbilisi. My another worry is that all that is happening right at my building, where my parents live. I hope everything will calm down soon. We don't need any more wars, we need peace.

Shot # 67

And now 5 is left. 5 weeks of shots and 6 weeks of pills. I'm not excited, I just can't wait to go back to my normal state. I'm tired.

On Sunday woke up at 8 with some mild pain, said "screw it all, let's go to the boat". The boat... big waves, no fun, staying in marina. Went shopping to kill time before dinner which should have been grilled in marina. When food was half cooked gas ran out, they went to neighboring decks to get gas from others' grills, after the 3rd gas fail to work they just brought someone's grill and it fail to work too. No sailing, no eating, but it was great anyway, I needed some change.

Today is Monday and as we know this is my fatigue day. Worked today until 4, then drove Sophia to Party City to pick up her Halloween costume, then cooked dinner. I don't know how I was able to go through the day. I'm extremely tired. And my Eczema is getting worse, I think it's because I ate Jalapenos yesterday. I love them, I just love them and eat as if they were strawberry jam. yamyamy but burning burning under my eyes and now it's extending down my chicks. I've heard if you have any kind of skin problem you better avoid spicy food. I guess I can give up my Jalapenos for 6 weeks.

Wednesday I might start another part time job, the recruiter is asking for my blood labs and chest x-ray. I would not mind in any other situation, but now my blood being packed with all the chemicals I don't know what they will see. And they need the drug test too, that I would not worry about unless they will check particularly for Ribavirin but the chances them doing it are 0. Right?

Working in my condition is very difficult, very, very difficult. I'm exhausted, but mentally I feel better. Now I wake up and have somewhere to go, I groom myself and feel useful. But only people been on treatment know how much effort it takes to work. Oh, if only my boss knew what an unrealistic effort it takes me to stand on my feet all day and scan patients, to hold that transducer and press hard on their abdomen, see their vasculature, to press on their legs arteries and veins, to look for pathologies. Sometimes I want to cry from exhaustion, I have a feeling of no hope, my eyes can't stay fully open. Today I had an inhuman pain of face, all the sinuses, eyes and terrible head ache. I had to take double doses of painkillers twice and after that flew away high, high in the sky. Coming back from work I was not sure if I could drive and made myself drive real slow - 30 MPH, I did not care about angry, healthy drivers behind me, all I wanted was to get home with no one harmed around including myself. So.... I'm home, alive, still high (from gazillion Tylenols), now expecting neighbour kids to come for candies -- today is Halloween! Sophia is somewhere with her friends, will go without me for the first time. I usually dress like a witch with a nice black hat and people think I'm a kid too, they give me candies which I don't mind at all. I love sweets : )

Friday Yesterday got all my blood labs, took the "unnecessary" sheets out, so no one can know I have (or used to have) little tenants in my blood. After that accidentally walked into my favorite bakery, bought strawberry cream cupcake. Hmmmm it was soooo goooood. I wanted it from last year and would not let myself eat it. This time I could not resist. I was eating it with such pleasure that my face was shining, I started even making noises "oh, yami, yami, oh so delicious, nyam nyam nyam" after finishing half the noise became "OK, how much more?" and then "yak, I can't eat it any more. Oh God! How much more? Yak!" But anyway I managed to fit it into my belly. What is it a special word for that? Oh, right: a pig.

Yesterday I dented my car so bad that it will cost me good money to fix it. I don't know..... will I ever learn how to do parallel parking? Am I stupid? I think so. : (

My body have rebelled against me, everything hurts. This morning when I went to see an agent I did not want anything, got such headache that was close to faint, thought would throw up right on that table where she had all my paperwork. And hmmm, yes, she said she needs not only my blood work but "Physical exam" from my physician saying that I'm healthy and strong. Healthy and strong my ass. Headache and facial pain was so bad, that I was planning to get home and hang myself, not even to take a painkiller, but to kill my own self. You know what saved me from it? I fell asleep in the train and pain downgraded from 10 to 9 when I woke up. Came home, took Tylenol instead of a rope and went directly to bed. All day was in a state of Zombie. Nothing hurts much, but all my body is so sore, I've got a feeling that I'm filled with vinegar. Strange, right?

It's not that hard to guess why I feel so crappy. I'm not strong enough to work that much, but I'm stubborn to admit and give up. I'm going to work since I've started it, there is no way me to back off.

OK, going to bed, I'm working half day tomorrow. Good night, my friend.

Shot # 66

Another shot, it brings me closer to an end. Had it after a great day spending with my blogger friends Uncertain and Laurie. It was one of the best days for me. I had a great time and I was feeling strong too. Uncertain, Laurie, thanks for such a fantastic time, it was a highlight of the year.
Woke up with a feeling as if a herd of horses ran over me. As usual took Tylenol which as usual gives me depression and as usual wanted to lock myself in room and die. All this is temporary, I'll be done soon, very, very soon, even though my husband wants me to continue until February. NOT GONNA HAPPEN! I'm tired, my body is exhausted, I'm losing social skills, I need to start my life over. I'm so tired that not even excited about finishing treatment, it's not like me being happy at my false (first) countdown. This time I don't care, I just want to finish it and move on.
My eczema slowly, but surely is coming back, it will bloom into a rose soon.
Bought another Guerlain "Meteorites" Limited edition. I can't say I'm very happy with it, looks like Guerlain ran out of ideas and now is mixing whatever.
Still looking for my bag of cosmetics. Where is it?
Tuesday Started part time job. In school I was taught how to do medical general Ultrasound tests and Obstetrics, but not the heart test, now I'm learning to do that. Oh my God! Heart is soooo beautiful. The 4 chambers view, when you look at it gives you a feeling of peace. The valves in between the atriums and ventricles are so cute and fun, when they open and close look as if they are clapping hands. And the Aorta! Oh God! Aorta is total respect! Full respect in any view and any slice. LOL I sound weird, but if you see it you will feel the same.
Found my cosmetics yesterday. I would have never guessed to look there. The bag of cosmetics was in the linen closet behind the extra pillow. This kind of findings are always accidental because losings are accidental too. My neck hurt bad, I was looking for a pillow (since I sleep without one), so I took it out the closet and saw my bag hiding behind it. I was wondering how it could have gotten there and I think I found a logical answer to it: when my cousin George and his mom left I had to put the pillows away and maybe I had the bag in my hand too and dropped it automatically. Otherwise it had no chance to get behind the pillow unless it has legs.
I'm very tired, I've worked half a day, was hungry... Came home, found out my neighbour had passed away. I offered his wife help with anything, she asked me to buy stuff, but all the stuff has to be kosher, otherwise it's no good since the funeral service and then shiva will be held in Jewish Orthodox way. How can goim, tired, hungry chiksa find all these kosher bagels, kosher salads and some other kosher things in unfamiliar Brooklyn at 7 pm? Well....... In Brooklyn it's difficult to find NOT kosher food. This is not a problem, the problem is the time of the day and the distance between the stores. But you know, human body is an unsolved mystery. Did it. In a result extremely tired, but serene. Now will read more of heart anatomy.
Thursday Still learning to scan the heart. Today saw Natia's heart pumping nice and beautiful. I need relatives and friends to volunteer to lie down for me to take abuse of learning. I think everyone I know it NY will go through this office and I'll know the secrets of their hearts : )
I can't believe how people can be selfish. It's about my neighbour who's husband passed away. This morning at 9 someone rag the bell. I was sleeping, did not open. They ringed again and kept ringing. I opened the door, her son (about 30 years old) told me that his mom is asking me to go to the store to buy her non-dairy milk or cream. I said I had to go to work and on the way back will buy whatever she needs. And now I hear she saying from her apartment: "I need it now, I don't have anything to eat my cereal with". Hmmmm....... Maybe she thinks I'm a delivery girl? I don't understand why she asked me to go to store when her own son was doing nothing. That's weird.

Shot # 65

Two days of celebration in Connecticut: sister-in-law's housewarming and a surprising engagement. 35 excited members of one family talking, shouting all at the same time. Mazel Tov! Mazel Tov! Good times! Two days of non stop partying. Me mostly on the second floor on the sofa. Still tired.
I have lost my purse of everyday make up. I don't know where it is. I remember putting it somewhere inappropriate place, but don't remember where. All my favorite make up was there, my concealer, blush, bronzer, eye shadows, eye liners, lip glosses, lipsticks, all the brushes, all the sponges and who knows what else. I looked everywhere, wherever it can or can not be. I'm looking for it for 5 days. Where is it? Of course I have more cosmetics, much much more than in that purse, it's just all my favorites are there. Will continue my search this week too. But it's so interesting where I could hide it from myself. Ah, Interferon..... what other surprises are coming my way?
Wednesday Yesterday went to my monthly medical appointment, one more time took abuse from my PA (Physician's assistant). I don't understand why people are so angry. She is always angry. I'm afraid of her, seriously.
After that appointment went to see my ex-fiance who now works in UN in Georgian mission with my friend Tamara, who is leaving back to Georgia sometime this winter. It's good that Sandro is here, otherwise who would help me to buy make-up with discounted price?
Sandro.... Sandro... Troubled guy...
Still looking for my bag of cosmetics. Where is it? Where? Looked everywhere!!!!!!!!
My Eczema is going away with this medication, what is it called? Hydrocortison. Right. And I know how I've got Eczema. It's a punishment for being a good person. Why? Here: My mother-in-law complained in July her eye cream gives her bad allergy. And since I'm a good girl I offered her to trade my brand new cream with hers. Now her cream started giving ME allergy and I stopped using it only in 2 months. The result has not delayed... Gave me allergic Eczema. I did not tell my m-i-l about it, she would get upset. But it's good that at least I know the etiology of the disease.
Last year same time I had the worse week of treatment. It was after 13th shot. It was so bad that even now when I remember it I want to lie down and cry. I was experiencing everything: pain, fatigue, dizziness, I had anemia, I could not get up even to go to bathroom or to eat, I became weak. And at the same time I had to take care of my daughter. There was no one to help me, my husband was in London and my sister was in Tbilisi. I was expecting to die every moment and every time I would wake up I would thank God for not letting my daughter see me dead. I worried she would get very scared. Really, it was very, very, very bad. I wish nobody experience such hell as I did.

Shot # 64

On Friday a call from cousin George, he and his mom are coming from Boston on Saturday. So exciting, so happy, so great! Plans are made, so many plans: would walk through all the Manhattan, Metropolitan Museum, will go shopping to SOHO, will have dinner in the Village. Saturday and here they are as well as my unbearable fatigue. Unable to walk, unable to sit, unable to stand, the only acceptable position -- horizontal . All the plans are being realized... but without me. Night. Another shot... and have decided only 8 more to go. Sunday and very familiar, a little bit forgotten but still familiar feeling in the body -- pain. 2 pills of painkiller don't help, taking cold shower no help at all. Still tired and in pain..... More painkillers. Monday still tired. What was that 3 weeks of being strong, what was that refusing to recognize being on treatment, what was that "no pain" mode? Now everything is back, all the feelings, memory... I still am on treatment. I know it and more than know: I feel it.
Tuesday Exhausted, so fatigued that my mind is fully, completely empty, not even one thought exists around me. Hmmmm.... to achieve such state of emptiness yogis spend many hours in meditation, we should suggest them to start injecting Interferon -- easier and quicker and the most important -- success guaranteed!
Cholera under my right eye is back and now the corner of my left eye is itching very suspiciously. What can it be? In 2 days will know an answer.
So not easy! This treatment is so not easy! I can't do it any more. OK, only until December 1st, it will bring me to 72 weeks. Is not it more than enough? I'm drained mentally, emotionally and physically. Would a tiny virus survive after such long and brutal battle? Really, I can't do it any more. This is it, I'm starting a new countdown -- 8 to go.
Evening Human abilities are still undiscovered: in spite of being so fatigued, anemic, tired, dehydrated due to diarrhea, feeling so crappy, I had to pick up my daughter from school bus stop. While in the elevator she called asking where I was "You are late, mommy, now you will have to get to a further stop" "Oh, Sophia, but it's a little far from here" "Mommy, then they will take me to some place where forgotten kids are. Mommy, run" And you won't believe it -- I ran! I could not let them take my daughter where "forgotten kids are", so I opened "parents mystical energy reservoir" which every parent has whether he knows it or not and I became Pheidippides, determined to defeat the bus and I did, I don't know how, but I did it . I think if it was Olympics for people on combo therapy I would get a gold medal, actually a triple gold medal, because what I did does not fall into logical explanation. But the most important thing is that my baby was not taken where "forgotten kids are".
Friday Saw a dermatologist yesterday, she diagnosed my "Cholera" as allergic eczema. I'm wondering allergic to what. She gave me a lot of free samples of Hydrocortisone. All that is temporary solutions which I never welcome. I'll try to find out natural way of getting read of it. And instead of chemical medication I'll try what Larie has suggested: nutmeg, even though that spice is toxic for liver.

Shot # 63

Screwed memory. I was already in bed when remembered I had a shot to do. My mentality refuses to remember it, I guess. Sunday went easy. I have no pain lately which is great, but I've got something new, a little surprise under my right eye: dry, itchy skin, very itchy. I'm afraid it can be eczema, it's one of the autoimmune diseases and as we know Interferon can cause you that in different ways, one of which is eczema. I'm putting Vitamin E with a mixture of olive and walnut oils. Well, what can I say? yeah, it smoothies skin a little bit, but you know....... still the same.
Yesterday was St. Sophia's day and we celebrate it as my daughter's birthday since on her real birthday she's usually with her daddy. She had a good day, got a lot of presents, I've got her iPod Touch, now she has more opportunity to waste her time and get her usual bad grades.
Tuesday Something had happened to my mentality, I don't want to recognize I'm still on treatment. I have overdue my Procrit shot for a week and have not done it until I was unable to take my head off the pillow. Then I went to Chinatown for a cellphone hunt. I need a new cellphone and since I'm a stylish mamasita I need a stylish phone. I have Nokia 7360, a beautiful but the crappiest phone ever, now I want Nokia N76, a beautiful red, but again -- crappy phone. Neither At&T or T-Mobile carry it, if I want to have it I have to buy it in Chinatown with or without a new plan. Even with a plan it's expensive, so I guess I'll stuck with some "not pretty", but good working phone : ( So, I came home empty handed... actually not completely empty, I bought chestnuts, first time in this season : )
My "eczema" which now I call "Cholera" is very annoying, it's itching, it's puffy and now my right eye hurts when I turn it. I'm going to see a dermatologist on 11th. What luck do I have!? This "Cholera" have not appear on my shoulder, nor on my leg, or my back, or any other covered part, it had to bloom right under my eye, so everyone could enjoy the view. Well, I do cover it with whatever I can, but...... it's red and ugly anyway. And it's itching!!!!!
That's my guru and me on the picture, he's been helping and teaching me a lot. He lives in Tbilisi. I'm not even sure if I should be posting this picture.
Thursday When I could not take this itchiness any more I put "Abriva" on, right, the cream against cold soars and believe it or not the "Cholera" stopped itching even though still here. God have decided one red spot was not enough, he loves symmetry and loves originality too: another "Cholera" would be a boring thing, so my left eye would not left out God sent me a mosquito, should be size of an elephant, because the bite I have right under my left eye could not be left by a regular mosquito. And the bite feels like an itchy volcano.
Friday "Cholera" is almost gone, but the "Volcano" is extending further. It was as big as c5 coin, now it's more like a c 25, or from 1 cm diameter to 2 cm diameter. And overall my skin looks like disaster, I take care of it, I try my best, but it's not responding. I know why!!! When someone tells you "your skin looks good" -- that's it, your skin is jinxed! I know I sound like an old toothless uneducated woman, but try it yourself, say "my skin looks great", next day you will see a pimple or some red spots. It's a proven fact for me based on my own experience.
My old side effects missed me and decided to visit me, so now I have diarrhea, dizziness and anger. Hopefully they will be leaving soon.

shot # 62

My computer have been repaired by the same person who broke it. And no data is missing. Miracle. On the picture: Natia, Sophia, Me.
On Saturdays I keep forgetting I have a shot to do. But knowing my memory is screwed I always, before going to bed ask myself "is it anything I forgot to do? Pills? BC? Brushing teeth? Retainer? Make up off? what day is today? Saturday? For sure? Maybe Friday? No, Saturday! Shot? Right! The shot!"
Today is Tuesday and you won't believe it, no one has knocked on my door! Not Martha Stewart, not Natia's friend, none member of the studio! How come? I know! Martha got scared she would lose her popularity to me! It would be the end of her career! Yes, Martha, be on alert, don't relax!
Since Sophia went to school 2 weeks late she does not take school bus, we drive, and believe me I'm a champion in worse parallel parking, I suck in it. Have you seen scratched cars in Brooklyn lately? My job! But I like this courtesy of people when they see a stupid blond behind the wheel is struggling to park and they start to help. That's very nice, but I'm sure their thoughts at the moment are not. So, too much stress lately...
Last three days feeling very tired, fatigued. Waking up crying with tears for the same reason: see nostalgic dreams. Irreversible
Friday Nothing hurts, no pain, no fatigue, no riba rage, no depression, feeling perfectly normal. I'm wondering if treatment is working. Maybe that book I bought "Neurospeak" by Robert Masters is helping. I don't know how much it's doing, but it introduces you to your body on a different level and you start controlling it. Couple of days ago my nerve started hurting me, I told it: "Who do you think you are? You are part of me and hurting me? Stop right now!!!" and it stopped! I could not believe it! Maybe it's just a coincidence, but maybe it's the book.
How I know that treatment IS working: took Sophia to her friend, when was driving back all the cars were driving in my lane, but opposite direction -- towards me. I thought they all are crazy and all they thought I was crazy driving opposite direction of a one way street. Thank God no damage or human victims were involved. Yeah, I know, I know I have to pay attention of what I'm doing, but I can't focus and sometimes I can't see things I'm looking directly at.
P.S. Now another scratched car is driving in Brooklyn, this time it's a gray color Acura MDX.

Sakartvelo -- Georgia

Sakartvelo საქართველო -- that's how sounds "Georgia" in Georgian.

It's one of the most beautiful places in the world. The legend says: when God was distributing portions of the world to all the people of the Earth, the Georgians were having a party and as a result appeared late. God told them he had no land left, Georgians said they had guests which they could not leave. In that case God gave the Georgians that part of Earth he had been reserving for himself. Another legend says, that Helios (the Sun God) was father of Georgians and that's why Western Georgians instead of eyes have little Suns.

Situated in the Caucasus where Europe meets Asia, Georgia has a unique and ancient cultural heritage, famous traditions of hospitality and cuisine and an alphabet which is entirely its own. It's cultural influence comes from both Asia and Europe. The history of Georgia as nation dates back 6,000 years and as tribes even earlier. Word Georgian came from Greeks and means "Farmers", "Workers on the land". Main language in Georgia is Georgian which is a part of the Ibero-Caucasian languages, but some subgroups have their own one of the Kartvelian languages: Megrelian, Svan and Laz. I speak only main Georgian and don't understand when my father speaks with other megrealians. ქართველები The Georgians are among the most hospitable people on Earth, with strong traditions, we believe that guests come from God. So, if you visit Georgia you automatically are a guest of all Georgians, does not matter who you are visiting, you may be invited to any unknown persons' houses. Georgians are friendly, many different ethnics live in Georgia and there were no reported crimes based on ethnics. Georgia is the only country where antisemitism have never existed and I never knew such thing have existed before visiting Russia. Our Jewish community lives in Georgian for 3 thousand years without changing any of their traditions. Other nations living in Georgia are Greeks, Russians, Armenians, Azeries, Kurds, Turks etc. Main religion is Orthodox Christianity. We consider unseparatable these three things: our ethnicity from our language from our religion. We carry our Georgian traditions with love and pass it from generation to generation. One of the most sacred, almost cult thing is wine and wine making. Georgia is believed to be the country who invented wine http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Georgian_wine More than half of existing sorts of grapes in the world are in Georgia. Every self respected Georgian man makes or helps to make wine. In every building there is at least one man who does it. In our building in Tbilisi it's my father and all the neighbours, my and my brother's friends help. Love to wine and grape is seen in any aspect of Georgian culture, as ornaments on the churches, in lyrics, in paintings, in poetry, in jewelery.
Georgian folk is unique, Georgian dance carries so much energy, that you want to jump up and start to dance too http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SY3SJOqkWAg&mode=related&search= Georgian folk music is so beautiful, that in 1979 NASA had sent it by the Voyager as a proof of "Human Talent" here is the song http://www.geres.ge/ggmusic/ggrust05.ra (when you open it, it will ask you for license, cancel it and the player will start the song).

Georgia is surrounded by Mountains of Caucasus and that's where word Caucasian comes from, but who knows why? The climate of Georgia is diverse from cool to humid subtropical to continental. Crops of Georgia are so delicious, that if you have not tried Georgian fruit and vegetables you don't know how delicious fruit and vegetable taste. And our cuisine! You can't compare it to anything else in the world, it has no similarity! People come to Georgia for a week and stay for a month and some don't want to leave.

Tbilisi is the capital of Georgia founded in the 5th century AD. If Abkhazia have been created by a model of Paradise, then Tbilisi by a model of Hell. It's situated right on the bottom of the surrounding mountains, like in the boiling pot. In summer it's so hot, that people have to live in "summer houses" in that mountains. Air is not moving during the summer period, but in winter winds never stop. Despite of that, winters are warm, I realized that when I went back to Tbilisi after living in Boston, MA. In Tbilisi average temperature in winter is 13 C or 55 F, in summer 35 C or 95 F. Tbilisi is one of the most beautiful cities I've ever seen, it's architecture is influenced by both Asia and West.
Situated at the strategically important crossroads over the centuries, Georgia has been the object of rivalry between Persia, Turkey and Russia. Russia annexed us in 19 century which continued till 1918 when we got Independence for 3 years followed by invasion of Russian Bolsheviks and here our dream of Independence came to an end, but the fight for it never stopped and after the Evil Empire crashed into little pieces we became free from Russia. Again, Russia could not get used to an idea of letting us go and had sent us their KGB agent ethnical Georgian, but in Georgia considered as enemy, former minister of foreign affairs of the USSR, communist party leader -- Eduard Shevardnadze who brought not less but tragedies to our beautiful little country. Country was looted, robbed, dismembered, violence and finally wars broke. Wars were initiated by Moscow by provoking parts of Georgia called Abkhazia and South Osetia to demand Independence from Georgia and uniting with Russia. I was born in Abkhazia, in a very small city Gagra, at the Black Sea, if you don't know how it's called you will think it's name is Paradise. In that war all the best youngsters of Georgia were killed. Abkhazians and Osetians with help of Russia won this war. A lot of my friends on both sides Georgians and Abkhazians were killed, I've mourned them with equal pain. It was a genocide of Georgians by Russia in 1992. A lot of Gerogians had to flee country during Shevardnadze's ruling period in order to survive. Now, with the new president the future of Georgia looks bright, this summer I saw so many positive changes that I was amazed. Georgians love their country and everything what comes with it, they all eventually go back to their roots. Some day I'll go too.

Shot # 61

Still doing it..... and it feels like it will never stop, that I will be counting my life from Saturday to Saturday, from morning pill to evening pill and two weeks from one Procrit to another Procrit. That's how I feel, but I rather feel this way than feel bad if my PA tells me "the virus is back". Who wants to hear that?
My side affects are minimal now, only my muscles and bones hurt. I bought a book suggested by my guru, called "Neurospeak" by an American psychiatrist Dr. Robert Masters. The book is designed to work on your subconsciousness by reading and exercising. I did one part yesterday and can tell the difference. Well, pain is not gone yet, but the feeling in my body is different. I'll write more if I see real changes.
My rage is gone, I feel normal, peaceful and healthy. Maybe trip to my home country have recharged me with positive energy. Maybe.... but maybe it's just a matter of time to go back to treatment's "normal" state. Hope -- it's not.
Thursday Natia is friends with a girl working in Martha Stuart's studio who have tried my cake and went crazy, she even took the rest of the cake to the studio. Now she wants the recipe. I'm not giving my cake secrets to herrrrr...... In a near future I'm expecting Martha to knock on my door. And if seriously, this cake is really so good that people start friendship with me in hope I will bake it again soon. But it's not my favorite, my fave is tarts made with my own secrets. yamyamayam
I've noticed as soon as I say I feel better, I start to feel worse. I have not have insomnia for a long time, now it's here and I don't know for how long it's planning to stay. But everything else is good: no pains, no rages, no fatigue.
Saturday My computer is dead. Who broke it? My husband: master in computer science, computer hardware and software engineer, certified security systems specialist! Good job! Thank God Sophia has one computer too, I can borrow it sometimes.

Shot # 60

Usually, after shot I wake up early in the morning, this time it was even earlier, I was woken up: all the churches started ringing bells for Sunday mass. It was beautiful: din din don don, wake up, Tea, God is calling! But I'm so lazy, of course I stayed in bed till late morning.
Later went to learn how to drive "stick shift" car, it's real pain in the neck, but you never know when you may need it. The other day my cousin invited us to old capital of Georgia, after seeing all the necessary sightseeings we went to the restaurant, it was wine involved and of course after couple of glasses they stop to count glasses and lose all the common senses. So, on the way back I said I would drive, but car was not automatic and I had to sit on the back seat and enjoy adrenaline drive from extreme conditions. Right there I've made a decision to learn to drive "mechanical" car. My teacher is from Western Georgia and has this cute soft Megrelian accent: "Girl, pay attention what you are doing, don't rush, this is not automatic car" "Once again, this is not automatic car. Again, girl, this is not automatic car". It's very hot here and I was nervous driving, my shirt became all wet, I looked like bum when crawled out the car. Anyway, I'm doing a good thing.
Sunday Evening -- My husband got stuck in Svaneti because of the "weather conditions", meaning it was raining and helicopter was unable to fly. Very interesting...... He has flight back to NY tomorrow night. I hope he will make it. If not -- Svaneti is beautiful, healthy, friendly, no internet, no globalization, no world problems, so he can stay there forever and become one of them and maybe... if he behaves I'll visit him sometime next year.
Tuesday Getting ready to leave Tbilisi tonight, Sophia and I will be in the US tomorrow, my husband is already in the transatlantic plain. I'm superstitious, the other day a neighbour has visited me, she is a very bad person, jealous, and the worse part is that she has an "evil eye", she curses whatever plans you may have and however smooth they may be. She knows when we have flight and I'm afraid she has already jinxed it. If I don't post later this week, my dear friends, light one candle for me and my daughter. My flight is by Lufthansa, if you see some plain crash news on CNN -- from Munich to Boston (yes, to Boston), than it was me : (
It's the third day that all my body is in pain, not as bad as in the beginning of treatment, but not as easy as last 6 months. Muscles and bones are very, very sore, sore enough not to let me sleep, even painkillers don't help. I think I know the reason: I had 3 bites of meat last week and as I've noticed meat makes me feel sicker. Whatever it is I'm not going to take any more chances, screw meat, I can live without it.
Soon going to meet with my ex-husband, father of my daughter, we have to plan our daughter's next year, I have to assign some duties on him, but he probably will try to take most of the responsibilities off, as usual. I know this talk won't be nice, but I have to do whatever I have to do for my daughter. Unfortunately here, in Georgia, neither wife or children are protected by law when you get divorced. I can ruin his career, but it would be "declaration of war" and I don't want that.
Saturday It's been 3 days since I've arrived to the US, but am still tired. Was getting ready since Tuesday, running around the city for the last details. On Wednesday dawn flew out to Munich (still Tuesday in the US). In 4 hours arrived to Munich at 6 am local time, the flight to the US is not earlier than in 10 hours. Went to the city, had breakfast and lunch on Marienplatz, shopped for Sophia in European stores!!!!! Took pictures, Munich is beautiful!!! At 4 pm departure to Boston. 8 hours in the plain. Flight was smooth, almost no turbulence, but a lady on the next set of chairs was coughing non-stop, I think it was mental, not clinical. I wanted to strangle her. Arrived to Boston at 6 pm (already Thursday in Tbilisi). Cousin George took us to my aunt's where at 8 pm Sophia and I passed out. But the journey is not over yet, we have to get to NY. In the morning took the bus to NY. Another 4 hours... I don't know where I've got energy from, but somehow I'm still alive.
The result of this long and exhausting trip back is sacrificed lipstick to the world terror fear, 3 days of dizziness, dull skin with unidentified blemishes and uncontrollable hunger. Now, even though in my eyes the world is spinning like happy carousel, I have to get up and go to Manhattan with Sophia, because "Mommy, I have to have new cloths! Do you think I'll wear same ones this year?"

Shot # 59

We became Gypsy, my husband and I are always somewhere in the streets, walking, meeting with some friends for lunch, later with others for dinner, sleeping at other friends house, eating in the cafes, having some stuff at mom's place and some stuff at where we are staying. So I've almost forgotten to have a shot, but as usual, my husband can't miss his Sunday show of my misery, he has remind me about my 59th shot. Not bad, not bad so far, but it's not noon yet, we'll see.
Thursday Hot as in hell, polution -- ecological disaster!
No side effects except of fatigue, but it's constant. I don't have any riba rage and wondering why.
Friday My husband left to one of the most beautiful places in Georgia -- Svanetia, it's in the mountains, the highest point in Europe. It's so beautiful that some people say "That's where God lives". I've never been there, wanted to go, really wanted to go so much..... but finally have admitted I would not be able to walk up the hill. Next year will go for sure.
So sad that this ugly treatment disables me from many things.

ANNA

After several weeks of coma, highest fever possible, close to death, constant seizures, swelled brain, paralysed right side of the body, lost speech -- little Anna is now at home, recovering, walking and trying to talk. I know, my friends, you would want to meet her, because you really worried about her. Here she is --survivor of Encephalitis.

Shot # 58

Constantly feeling fatigued, wasting my time lying down now on the green sofa I've got my shot. Side effects -- very mild. Looks like I've ruined Procrit and ran out of red blood cells since I've started feeling real weak and was experiencing extreme shortness of breath. I've got tired of been disabled for all the time and made a desicion to reduce Ribavirin dose: I stopped taking it in the morning since my Riba comes in caplets of 400 mg and I can't brake it to take reduced does in the morning and reduced dose at night. Screw it, I've done it right for so long, one week of cheating won't harm it. My husband is arriving tomorrow and is bringing me one dose of Procrit and then I can resume taking Riba in proper doses.
Not taking Ribavirin made me feel strong, I'm able to do 2-3 things a day, to have fun, to see my friends, to meet with my long time teacher -- he is kind of my Guru, he advices me what books to read to explore my inner self, helps me to understand many things, answers some of my questions. Yesterday after meeting with him I was at home lying down, was looking through the window, was looking at the trees, the sky, the Sun light and suddenly have gotten a feeling of how much alive everything around is and how much we all are part of the wholeness. It was my first time of experiencing real inner peace during the treatment.
But Interferon had it's own plan: enough of nirvana, here I am and this morning I woke up so angry, steam of rage was whistling through my nose and ears. One more thing: at the dawn got pain in the heart area, was unable to move, it lasted for 2 hours and then slowly let me go .
Friday My husband has arrived, got me Procrit, now I'm taking full dose of Ribavirin which kills all good bacteria in my stomach and makes me feel terrible. I'm compensating bacteria with Flora-Q and eating a lot of yogurt. What a pain in the ass this treatment is.
Tbilisi is empty, everyone is on vacation, I'm enjoying quietness of the city, some of my friends are here and that's enough. Soon people will start coming back and Tbilisi will look like ant's nest. We live in the center of Tbilisi, our building is bordering with the Supreme Court of Georgia, in 2 blocks from us in the same street resides our president, in 3 blocks back-entrance of Parliament of Georgia, one block down -- Conservatory, 5 blocks down -- Opera house, in 3 blocks to the left is Ministry of Justice, 4 blocks away is Ministry of Internal affairs, next to it Ministry of Secret Service, then Ministry of Foreign Affairs, 5 blocks to the right is The Government house, and if you go 2 streets down there are all the major hotels, banks and hundreds of restaurants. Now you understand why I'm enjoying people being on vacation.
I've got some pictures, taking more and will post them soon.

Shot # 57

It's so different to have a shot at home where you grew up, mom and dad next to you, taking care of you as if you still are 5 years old. Mommy getting me presents "Happy people get healed quicker", daddy cooking dinner for me, cousin Alex coming every morning to have coffee with me, friends calling and visiting.
But daddy learned what riba-rage is on Thursday, mommy -- today. Both hugging with words "My poor baby, calm down, everything will be OK soon". Actually my mom does not want me to go back to the US till I'm done... Unrealistic. She said she had no idea my treatment was that bad. I'm wondering what she would say if she saw me before 24 weeks. Now I'm feeling not even half as bad as back then.
Since Friday was at home not more than for 5 hours a day, every day I visit someone new, sometimes 3 different people and still have energy left, even though Mondays are usually my fatigue days.
Yesterday and today met with my friend Tamara, who is one of the most amazing people in the world, all her points of views are always much deeper than others'. She is a professor of Linguistics and a famous writer in Georgia (I've gave her her first review), she knows so much about what I'm interested in -- Semiotics. We've talked long about:"Collective unconscious" -- how weird it is, about Jung (but of course) and Freud, about religion and how much any religion except of Buddhism sets limits to your freedom of spirit. She showed me some of the things in a different light. I so appreciate it.
Misha Tavkhel and his friend first took me to the cafe and then to a beautiful Georgian restaurant. I'm sure everything happens for a reason, so that guy and I clicked on what interests me as much as Semiotics -- spiritual self exploration.. Tomorrow we will meet to talk more.
I'm so happy I'm home, back to my roots and self me.
Thursday Third day of fatigue. maybe it's anemia, I don't know. Procrit? Hm........ What I did to Procrit: I accidentally put it into the freezer instead of the refrigerator. It was there for 5 days. I injected it the day before yesterday. If I start dying it means I've ruined it, if I start feeling better, then I guess I'm being lucky lately.
My parents are all around me. The other day my father searched all neighborhood and nearby areas for red grapefruit juice, because "My daughter loves red grapefruit, not yellow, thank you". My mother got me beautiful earrings, she knows I love earrings and rings out of all jewelery. I know she loves pendants, bracelets and broaches. : ) My mommy : )
Last night met up with that guy I've met, Tavkhel's friend. He gave me an interesting book, we spoke, he told me so many interesting things. I realise there is so much to explore, learn and discover and it makes me happy.

Tbilisi

At 10 am on Wednesday I got my passport and at 8 pm plane was heading me to Munich, where I had a 12 hours transfer between the flights: I was going to my mommy.
Munich is a beauiful city, but I did not see it: raining and 7 hours trancatlantic flight made me want to go straight to the hotel and sleep.
For some reason sleeping did not help much, all duty free shops I've browsed in shaky condition: shaky legs, shaky hands, shaky vision.
Finally boarding. Another 4 hours and I'll be in my hometown -- Tbilisi, where my mommy lives. Last hours of the flight are exhausting. The aircraft is packed. People speak loud in many different languages: German, Spanish, English, Armenian, Russian and of course Georgian.
Last 10 minutes, I see the lights of Tbilisi. My mommy is waiting for me somewhere down there in the airport I know! When I last visited her a year ago, my life was different, I was normal, I had my life. Thinking of it gives me teardrops. I want to tell her "Mom, mommy, I've been through so much for the last 13 months! Mom, I've had so much pain, physical and menthal! Mommy, I was so unhappy, weak and vulnerable! Sometimes I was losing hope! Mommy, no one could protect me. Mom, for so many times I was wishing you be by my side! I was dreaming of you! Mom your daughter, once a strong seagull is a wounded bird now! Take me home, mommy, hide me from everything bad. Mommy, don't let anything hurt me any more! Mommy, hug me and comfort me! Don't let me go! I'll feel better by only knowing that you are around. Mom, with you I'll feel safe , I won't be scared any more. I'll be sleeping peacefully."
Air plain is landing, I feel that I'm weeping. Air plain has landed. I'm wiping my tears off, putting another brave mask and a plastic smile on my face, getting luggage and see my mommy.
"Tea, mommy's poor girl, you look so tired! Oh, my poor baby, what have these medications done to you! Let's go home, I'll take a good care of you" "Common, mom, I'm feeling great! You don't have to take care of me, I'm perfectly normal" "Yeah, I see how normal and great you are feeling" "Where is daddy?" "He was not feeling well and is waiting for you at home".
Home. I'm at home. it's 4 am. I don't want to sleep, it's 8 hours difference and for me it's only 8 pm. After talking with both of them till dawn going to bed. At 7 am first sign of live: Kurdish sweeper is swiping streets, it's a sound of my childhood "sh, sh, sh", but Tbilisi is still sleeping. At 9 am neighbours start talking, cars passing, stores opening -- the city is waking up. I'm tired and now it's my time to sleep.

Shot # 56

At my mother-in-law's in Connecticut feeding me as there is no tomorrow, yelling at me for tanning, telling me how irresponsible I am by exposing myself to the Sun, finally had my 56th shot.
Sunday has begun great, no pain, but quite irritable and angry -- I'm one crazy mamasita. Went to the pharmacy and then got lost in these CT suburbs, outside hot as hell, in addition my navigation froze - piece of crap, was trying to get my way out, and...... ran out of gas....... I'm born with build-in absence of orientation. I can visit a place for number of times and still get lost, easy! Different people have different talents, my talent is to get lost in any place, does not matter how familiar it is.
Now we all are going to the beach and I don't see how I can tan after swimming, my MIL will be there watching me to treat myself healthy. I guess no tanning for me, just swimming.
It's night already, night in Connecticut suburbs. I can't stay in suburbs, I get depressed. I start having feeling of no hope, that there is no life outside of the house, that everybody died, vanished. I can't listen to nature sounds, it drives me crazy. My inner comfort is loud sounds of life, cars passing by, neighbours walking, people talking, even shouting, Police cars signaling. Then I know there is life going on and I'm part of it, I'm still alive.
Today I did not have any side effects, maybe a little bit scared my relatives - had "mishugas", but everything washed out in the ocean. No pain, no painkillers. Great. If I have days like this I can go 84 weeks, but unfortunately all weeks are different.
Buenos noches, mi amigos.
Tuesday In Boston, trying to get a passport ready in an agency. I went there at 9 am after sleepless night, but the problem is that I've applied for passport through post office already and all my papers are somewhere where they make passports, so when I went to the agency I did not have any prove of citizenship. They've sent me to the immigration service (Thank God all that was happening in Boston where I naturalized). Immigration officers were ping-ponging me from one room to another, finally, in an hour and a half I was talking with the right person who told me there is no updates about my case and they can't see me naturalized. "It takes up to 60 days your case to be seen in the system, but if you are really lucky maybe we still have your folder". And I guess my shitty luck was somewhere on vacation, because they found my folder and issued prove of citizenship, so, tomorrow I'm getting my passport.

Shot # 55

When cat is away mice can play. Husband is fishing and I went out to the Cuban restaurant in Greenwich Village with our friends. I was in my red dress..... men were drooling. Like happy old days. They should see me now: the day after shot state, fatigue, eyes half way open, no make up, ugly. But NO PAIN! I have caught it on time, went to swim in the cold Ocean.
I don't want to complain any more, there are much worse situations people are in: recently I've learned my friend's 6 years old daughter got sick with Encephalitis! Trouble came out of nowhere! She is in a very critical condition, doctors can't guarantee she will survive. And the worse thing is all that is happening in Tbilisi, where medicine is not on a great level any more. They can't determine what caused the disease, if it's viral or the mosquito bite. They have sent her blood to Germany, the result will be only in a week, but meanwhile she might not make it. I call my friend often, we talk, she is out of her mind. She says: "I'm looking at my baby and can't believe it's really happening". I can't believe either. It's one of the worst things what can happen to a parent. Children should not....... and should not get that sick. If I could, I would trade my SVR for her life and full recovery. I don't need SVR, I will be able to control and manage the disease. I cry and I pray. If you can pray to your God for her, her name is Anna.
Monday Fatigue, usual for Mondays. Everything requires extra effort. Eyes are burning a little bit and I'm feeling this headache is flying around me, not quite here yet, but aiming very sharply. Well.... Painkiller is right in front of me on my table.
Called my friend today, Anna is the same, not better, but at least not worse. They would take her to Europe, but they can't move her, might cause complications since her brain is still swollen. Hopefully she will show some progress in couple of days.
Wednesday Was suppose to go to my monthly appointment, but at 6 in the morning unexpected tornado flooded subway in Manhattan, broke trees in Brooklyn, which fell on the railways and paralysed traffic. Driving to Manhattan is unreal for me, especially when your car shows "overheated" something on the dashboard. Really not worth it, there is always "Man'ana"
Since hubby could not go to work either, decided to go for a walk together. Ohhhh, so impossibly hot and no oxygen to breath. Husbands can be very useful sometimes: he carried all the groceries, cooked dinner and a big long watermelon. I was carrying only dill and was not feeling guilty at all. Now he is sleeping like a log on our black sofa. His turn. Overworked!
Thursday Got my medications from the Physician's Assistant. Miracles happen: she was nice. She even said she has shoes like me in different color. What happened? Maybe that nurse I've become friends with told the PA what I've told her before, that I'm scared of her. Yeah, whatever works to calm a witch down.
Fatigue is not going away. Maybe it has something to do with not eating anything since last Friday? I've been eating only nuts, fruit and buckwheat in dolly portions. Trying to lose weight.

Citizen of the USA